The Why? List

Friday Night Nostalgia: “The Floor is Lava!”/”Don’t Touch the Lava!”

A long time ago when I was but a young lad I thought I was was the only one that played “Don’t Touch the Lava.” I thought “I must be one awesome weird kid.” Years later with the invention of the internet, it turns out I was wrong (on the former). Now there’s Facebook groups, internet memes, t-shirts, and YouTube videos all dedicated to this childhood game. There’s even a god damn Wikipedia page for it. I always thought it was fun to figure out how to get out of each room in your house with The Floor is Lava. Some rooms like your own bedroom were pretty easy, but then you’d get rooms like your nearly barren basement which were hard as shit. Better stock up on couch cushions in your inventory from the previous level!

This was one of the best games to play as a kid because all it required was pure agility, imagination and spatial reasoning (and preferably a lot of furniture). That’s it. There’s no fuckin’ around with The Floor is Lava.

(Original image from: filippomorini.tumblr.com)

The Crap In Your Keyboard

I’d like to take a moment out of your day. Just follow these steps:

1. Pick up your keyboard.

2. Hold it upside-down.

3. Shake it thoroughly for about 5-10 seconds.

4. Look at your desk.

Surprised? I’m not. You just shook out about anywhere from 3 months to 1 year of shit that accumulated in your keyboard. Oh! So that’s where that needle went. And look! You found that renegade Skittle that you thought grew legs about 2 months ago underneath it. Sometimes it doesn’t look like it on the outside, but a ton of shit can gather up inside this useful board of letters, numbers, and punctuation. So do yourself a favor and blast a can of air to your keyboard every once in a while.

If you think yours is bad, just imagine how bad a keyboard on display in a retail store is. Escalator rails and shopping cart handles can’t hold a handle to these potential hazards to your health. A petri dish couldn’t do a better job of incubating bacteria. Touching just one key is a 90% guarantee to a grease spot on your finger.

So, if you’re feeling adventurous, next time you’re at an electronics store or something, shake around one of these bastards if you’d like to discover a new species in the animal kingdom.

The Atmosphere of Sick Days

I’ve always remembered how strange sick days were. No doubt they were awesome even though you felt like shit, but everything seems a little less normal. I’ve always noticed that sunlight in the house always looked a little different than usual. It actually seemed to look brighter than it does then when you were at school or work. Not to mention the house was empty since both of your parents were at work. It was just you, a couch or bed, the TV, and The Bucket (and I guess your cell phone nowadays too). Oh yeah. The Bucket. You know which one I’m talking about. Your mom probably washed it in the dishwasher the next day then used it to cook spaghetti.

Still to this day, sick days feel a little off to me. It’s always that combination of a little guilt, sunshine that’s a little brighter, and a little feeling of victory thinking about the suckers who had to work today. But, holy crap…the excruciating pain!!!

Remembering Your Experience With the Theater Audience Every Time You Watch That Movie

I remember when I went to see the first Lord of the Rings in theaters. Fantastic movie. But before the movie started, a large group of about a dozen middle school kids were sitting two rows ahead of me. On this particular evening they felt the need to bring their schoolyard drama to the theater. To put the noise level into perspective, just imagine a hallway in a middle school during class changes. It wasn’t until about 20 minutes in when a guy, who sounded like was in his mid-30’s, yelled “Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?” that finally made half of them leave and the other half shutting the hell up. Also, an employee finally walked in with one of those spiffy cone flashlights to help alleviate the situation.

It seems like every time I watch a movie, and I had seen it when it was playing in theaters, I always remember the horrible audience experience, if any, that had been attached to it.

Now excuse me while go back to watching “Annoying Commentator In the Seat Behind Me”-…I mean “The Dark Knight.”

Dragons

You just say the word, and anybody gets it. DRAGON.

Don’t you wish dragons existed? Your answer to that question is irrelevant because dragons will wreck your shit. One dragon would level an entire city in one hour if you catch him on a good day. Nevermind those pansy-ass komodo dragons. This is the real deal, man.

But, why do we love dragons so much? It’s probably because they are the culmination of man’s greatest predators. The scales and eyes of a poisonous snake, the talons of a huge bird, the teeth of a tiger, and the build of a dinosaur. Dragons are everything that can fuck our shit up.

The dragon’s role in history is nothing short of astounding. This is one mythical creature which has truly stood the test of time. They just simply continue to fascinate us. Which basically says that we are gluttons for punishment.

DRAGONS!

The Guy On the Pizza Box

For many years I have been trying nothing but the Best thanks to the Pizza Box Guy. This man’s face has graced the pizza boxes of nearly every mom-and-pop pizza joint in existence. Which leaves me to wonder: where can I find the Rest? Does he mean chain pizza restaurants? I dunno about him but I kind of like those, actually.

More businesses should start using the Pizza Box Guy in their marketing plans. Imagine the huge amounts of profit one could rake in by using it on products like these:

Another thing I’m still trying to figure out about the Pizza Box Guy is his origin. Nobody seems to know where he came from or who the original person was for the inspiration of the original drawing. The only possible candidate that I can think of is Bova Food Distributors.

Their corporate headquarters are actually not too far from my hometown. But they seem to be the company that uses the Pizza Box Guy the most, since he can be found on most of their products. This is the most conclusive evidence that I could come up with for his origin.

One thing I’m pleasantly surprised by is that Pizza Box Guy hasn’t changed his appearance in decades. He hasn’t been swallowed up by the modern marketing strategies of today. He doesn’t try to appeal to any particular demographic. He is just Pizza Box Guy, through and through.

But could you imagine if he WAS modernized for this day and age?

Stepping Into Mirror World

There have been numerous times where I’ve wondered what it would be like to step into Mirror World. I keep thinking how amazing it would be. Am I a successful CEO of a major Fortune 500 company? Do I get superpowers in Mirror World? Perhaps everyone has a personality that is the polar opposite to the one that they have here in the normal world? Maybe work doesn’t suck in Mirror World…

But from what I’ve gathered, the general consensus seems to be that Mirror World would be a frightening place if it had existed. Anyone remember that one Rugrats episode where Tommy and Chucky go into Mirrorland?

In this Mirrorland, dogs grow beards and go insane, grandfathers get fire hair, and moms turn into robots. Actually that sounds like an incredible concept for a metal album cover; someone should draw that. But I’d hate to think what cats turn into. They’re already trying to take over the world as it is.

And then there’s that MIRRORS movie. Tumblr posts prohibit me from typing the gimmicky backwards R, so pardon my typo. In this movie all of the mirror ghosts are trying to kill Kiefer Sutherland. Seems like almost everything he’s in people are trying to kill him.

But, who am I kidding? Mirror World would be so awesome.

Getting Stuck in Traffic Jams With No Apparent Cause

Some traffic jams baffle me. I’m not talking about the ones that are caused by accidents (which is a combination of the accident itself and “rubberneckers”) or construction, but the ones that cause you to punch your steering wheel in a furious, primal rage. One minute you’ll be stuck, then an hour passes and all of a sudden the traffic jam just “ends” and everyone speeds up and drives off as if it never happened. It’s like everyone ahead of you knew you were late for work so they all decide to slow to a crawl and box you in.

Which reminds me, I love to play the “racing game” on the highway. “Ah, damn! That guy just passed me! Now I’m in fourth place!” It was a lot more fun and innocent as a kid. “Speed up, Mom! That van just passed us!” But now that you’re in mid-twenties or older, shit gets real. Just put on some Megadeth and you’re good to go. “Pass me, will you?” *NNNEEEEOOOOWWWNNNN* “Take that, asshole.” But, I digress.

It should be interesting to note that some mathematicians over at the University of Exeter developed a model a few years ago that explains why jams like these happen. It sort of works like water ripples. The article can be found here: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071219103102.htm

So, we need to do our part and stop driving like shit.

Grabbing the Candy Bar Behind the First One

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have this on-again-off-again habit of grabbing the candy bar behind the first one.

Because I know what that first one has been through. It’s been through floor drops, dirty hands, and Grabby Kids. Grabby Kids are the kids whose wrists are slapped from grabbing something they shouldn’t or something their parents can’t afford to buy for them (and sometimes resulting in the aforementioned floor drop). Sometimes it’ll get crunched up and slammed back into its box from Angry Parent’s retaliation against Grabby Kid’s swipe.

Be wary of the first candy bar.

Why is That?

Greetings! My name’s Ryan.

I created this blog because I like to think about the things that I observe in everyday life. I got the motivation to start this after writing a reader submission for LOLadelphia! which can be found in the Source link below.

The topics discussed in that article are pretty much the kind of stuff you can expect to be featured on here and a hint of what’s to come. I’ll try to update at least once a week, maybe twice. Reader submissions are also welcome.

Well, here we go! Enjoy!

(Source: loladelphia.com)