The Why? List

Getting Up 3-5 Minutes Before Your Alarm Goes Off

*Uuunnggh* Huh? What? I don’t hear my alarm..

Sweet! I get to go back to sleep! What time is it?

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Fla·Vor·Ice

The best part about this post is that I was eating a Fla·Vor·Ice while writing this, because it almost peaked at about 100°F today. Nothing says summer like a box of 100 skinny sleeves of artificially flavored liquid. When I was a kid that shit would be cleaned out in a few days, but now a whole box lasts me almost 2 months. These things have also been known as Otter Pops, but it’ll always be Fla·Vor·Ice to me.

But the absolute best part of a Fla·Vor·Ice is the grand finale:

Hands down.

Coming Home to an Air Conditioner on a Hot Summer Day

I think this one is also pretty self-explanatory. It’s the best part of the summer! Coming home to one of these after a hot day at work or school makes your long, arduous journey seem well worth the effort.

Make your friends jealous and make a useless status update depicting you sitting in front of an air conditioner!

#airconditioner

#hatersgonnahate

Candy Sizes

Yeah…and…? What’s so FUN about this size? Alas, no fun came out when I opened the wrapper. If I wanted a party in my mouth I would just eat a bag of Pop Rocks. In fact, I’d have a lot more FUN eating a KING SIZE of something like a bag of M & M’s.

…

What the fuck.

Friday Night Not-So-Nostalgia: Zeebo the Clown

If you haven’t already shit your pants, then keep reading.

Initially I was going to do a FNN post about the Are You Afraid of the Dark? series, but then I realized that for the most part the only episode everyone remembers is The Tale of Laughing in the Dark. You know, the one with Zeebo the Clown in it. That scary motherfucker who gave every Nickelodeon kid nightmares?

Seriously man, even people who aren’t scared of clowns would be after meeting this guy. Just look at that fucking face! My favorite part of this episode was the backstory they gave to Zeebo. He was basically a circus clown who stole some money, then ran and hid inside the Laughing in the Dark ride, only to be burned alive when his cigar ignited the place. That stupid motherfucker. But anyway, that backstory was what really brought the character to life. Not to mention that chilling laugh of his.

Don’t feel like sleeping tonight? Head on over to YouTube to pay your respects to the greatest Nickelodeon horror icon ever.

I may revisit this episode and dissect it in more detail, because there are plenty of things to point out about it (like that classic hammy 90s kids’ acting style), or maybe even the series as a whole.

“What do you think I am, some kind of clown?!”

Reader Submission: “Sorry, I have to do laundry tonight.” The worst excuse ever.

Today’s reader submission comes from the mind of Chris of LOLadelphia!:

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We’ve all been there. Bored and looking for something to do, you start sending out text messages to people hoping to find someone who wants to go out to eat, catch a movie, hang out, whatever. Suddenly, you get a reply from one of your friends that says, “Sorry, I have to do laundry tonight.” What…the…fuck?

This is seriously the lamest excuse ever, and the people who use it have no idea just how pathetic it actually is. Besides the fact that if they don’t want to hang out, they should just say they’re busy and leave it at that, saying they have to do laundry just makes no sense. Here’s why:

1. The beauty of laundry is that one can put something in the washer or dryer…then walk away and do something else. Am I really supposed to believe that you’re just sitting there in front of the washer and dryer afraid to go anywhere?
2. Even if they want to hang out, but have to do laundry…am I really supposed to believe that every single shirt and every single pair of pants you own is dirty and you can’t leave the house until it’s done?
3. If laundry does have to be done, just put on something dirty. People wear dirty clothes all the time. Unless it smells or is riddled with stains, I won’t know it’s clean or dirty, and frankly, I don’t care what it is either way.
4. Laundry does not take all night to do. You can afford to walk away from it for a little bit.

I hate this excuse, and the people who make it are seriously insulting you and think you’re stupid. It would be less offensive to just say, “I don’t want to hang out tonight,” instead of coming up with an excuse with so many holes.

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Excellent submission Chris! Many good points are brought to attention here. It makes me wonder how many other excuses have as many holes as the Laundry Excuse.

Check out more of LOLadelphia! to get the inside scoop on all things Philadelphia.

The Art of Holding It In

Never does one have so much focus and determination in their life than when they are are holding it in. When you gotta go, nothing else matters, and nothing gets in your way. Your adrenaline is pumping. Your eyes are bulging. Beads of sweat run down your neck which just makes matters worse. Every one your senses is on edge; colors look brighter, noises seem louder, things smell worse…

…and your friend isn’t even going to fucking pull over.

But then, it happens. You reach your destination. You reach the end of your long and arduous journey because you held it in like a boss and didn’t even use the nearby empty Gatorade bottle.

And then you open the restroom door, which may as well be the Pearly Gates themselves because once you go into the stall and then let it all out, you suddenly discover what it means to be alive. The end all, be all of human existence. Anyone who has said ignorance is bliss has never learned the Art of Holding It. This is it folks. The very meaning of life itself.