The Why? List

Friday Night Not-So-Nostalgia: Zeebo the Clown

If you haven’t already shit your pants, then keep reading.

Initially I was going to do a FNN post about the Are You Afraid of the Dark? series, but then I realized that for the most part the only episode everyone remembers is The Tale of Laughing in the Dark. You know, the one with Zeebo the Clown in it. That scary motherfucker who gave every Nickelodeon kid nightmares?

Seriously man, even people who aren’t scared of clowns would be after meeting this guy. Just look at that fucking face! My favorite part of this episode was the backstory they gave to Zeebo. He was basically a circus clown who stole some money, then ran and hid inside the Laughing in the Dark ride, only to be burned alive when his cigar ignited the place. That stupid motherfucker. But anyway, that backstory was what really brought the character to life. Not to mention that chilling laugh of his.

Don’t feel like sleeping tonight? Head on over to YouTube to pay your respects to the greatest Nickelodeon horror icon ever.

I may revisit this episode and dissect it in more detail, because there are plenty of things to point out about it (like that classic hammy 90s kids’ acting style), or maybe even the series as a whole.

“What do you think I am, some kind of clown?!”

The Art of Holding It In

Never does one have so much focus and determination in their life than when they are are holding it in. When you gotta go, nothing else matters, and nothing gets in your way. Your adrenaline is pumping. Your eyes are bulging. Beads of sweat run down your neck which just makes matters worse. Every one your senses is on edge; colors look brighter, noises seem louder, things smell worse…

…and your friend isn’t even going to fucking pull over.

But then, it happens. You reach your destination. You reach the end of your long and arduous journey because you held it in like a boss and didn’t even use the nearby empty Gatorade bottle.

And then you open the restroom door, which may as well be the Pearly Gates themselves because once you go into the stall and then let it all out, you suddenly discover what it means to be alive. The end all, be all of human existence. Anyone who has said ignorance is bliss has never learned the Art of Holding It. This is it folks. The very meaning of life itself.

Friday Night Nostalgia: Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker

Nobody fucks with Michael Jackson in the world of Moonwalker. Just looking at the movie poster lets you know he’s going to wreck your shit with a gigantic rainbow beam and a spaceship. Those soldiers in the background have no idea what they’re up against.

This movie has always been nostalgic to me and personally, after watching it again on Blu-ray (and despite a scene near the end being cut), I think it has aged like a fine wine. I’m not going to review the movie, but simply point out the things I like about it.

Spike the Rabbit is fucking badass. No other rabbit I know can transform a bicycle into a motorcycle into a jet-ski into a jetpack on a whim like it was nothing, and punch a drive-thru sign to cause a fucking avalanche of burgers at the take-out window. Not only that, but this motherfucker can carve out his own head on the face of a damn cliff, which is pretty frightening if you think about it. What a narcissistic asshole.

But then MJ puts that shithead in his place by spinning so fucking fast that he teeters on the edge of breaking the space-time continuum. Then that asshole cop tickets him for it. Well, I guess Spike has the last laugh.

And then of course there’s the Smooth Criminal sequence which needs no introduction, but do you know anyone who can shoot some random guy with a knife so hard that he flys back into a wall and fucking disintegrates? Then MJ dances like a badass in front of his ashes because that asshole should have known better.

But easily the funniest moment of the movie is a scene before that one, where MJ decides to fuck with some guy playing pool. You’d think it’d be mean enough to break the guy’s cue ball with his bare hand, but then he has the nerve to dance over to him, blow it in his face, then dance off again like a badass like nothing happened! A smooth criminal, indeed.

You’d think these assholes would have learned their lesson by now to not fuck with MJ, but they don’t. So MJ turns into a gigantic fucking robot and explodes their faces with his trademark scream, on top of obliterating them with his body cannons.

And then he morphs into a goddamn spaceship and rips Joe Pesci a new asshole with a fucking scream beam.

Whew. So, this whole movie is kind of frightening when you think about it. Some of it could probably give you nightmares. And personally I still think it holds up pretty well today. Of course there’s a ton of more things I can go into about the film but the things that I’ve mentioned were the most noteworthy to me. If you haven’t seen it in a long time, give it a watch again and see if you still like it. If you’ve never seen it, then check it out!

The Itch You Can’t Scratch in Public

Very few annoyances can rival the magnitude of frustration of the Itch You Can’t Scratch in Public. And it’s not like you can ignore it, either. The itch just grows on you like some kind of freak fungus and gets worse as time progresses. But, don’t worry, I’m here to help with a few of my personal tips! This is all assuming that you don’t have a restroom nearby to retreat to:

• Nostril Itch

If the itch can’t be vanquished by a couple of rubs on the outside of your nose, not to worry. You can instead use a tissue as your scapegoat. You can go to town with that itch if you’re doing it with a tissue because it looks a lot cleaner to the public than just using your finger. No tissue? No problem! Use a clever sandwich combination of face itches: face itch, nose itch, face itch. Well aren’t you sneaky!

• Butt Itch

Depends on the location of itch. If it’s on a cheek, just adjust yourself in your seat until it’s gone, or if you’re standing, pretend you’re looking for your phone or wallet by searching your back pockets. Stealth scratch! It’s a bit harder if it’s a buttcrack itch. If you’re sitting, grab the armrests of your chair and keep adjusting yourself in your seat by lifting each cheek alternatively. After about five or six times it starts to look suspicious, so use this technique wisely. If you’re standing, find either a solitary place away from the public, or an area with equal to the noise level of a busy bus or train station or cafeteria. Build up a nice dose of gas and RELEASE THE BEAST. Who knew a fart could be so useful? Bonus points if somebody smells it.

• Groin Itch

Why do you think pockets were invented? Pretend to shuffle around in your pockets looking for that one coin that you just don’t have and asking someone for change. With each passing second while that sucker is looking for the coin you “need”, you are on your way to paradise because you are scratching the shit out of that itch. Oh, nice! They have the quarter that you “needed”. You just got paid 25 cents to scratch your groin. You lucky dog!

Of course there’s always the option of ignoring all of these tips and going for broke with a shameless scratch. You sick bastard.