The Why? List

Ads, Ads, Everywhere

The other day I went to watch a video in Internet Explorer. Before it started playing I was forced to watch an ad. This actually kind of humbled me because I wonder how I ever got by without AdBlock in Firefox getting rid of all that shit. In this day and age, we are completely over-saturated with ads. The market is so fucking crowded that as the years go by, marketing geniuses keep finding new ways to sell their shit to you. Here are a couple of ad scenarios that I find myself going through:

• TV: Ah, finally I found that show I wanted to wa—OW FUCK that’s loud!!! Why the hell are commercials so damn loud? Because: BUY OUR SHIT. It’s so jarring and I heard some TVs are even built in with automatic volume control to keep that crap under control.
• Grocery Store or Gas Station: Really? Do you honestly think I’m that bored to watch ads about your dumb shit that I don’t want to—Oh hey look the 5-day forecast.
• Magazines: I hate how every magazine will have about 3 or 5 of those ads that are printed on thick stock paper, so that every time you flip through your magazine it pops you right to those ones. Rip that shit out. It’s worth risking a few torn good pages. Didn’t buy the magazine yet? Even better! Somebody’s gonna have a good day because of you!

I find that product placement in movies or games is even more offending if they’re downright obnoxious about it. You’re just pissing me off and making me NOT want to buy the product you’re trying to sell me.

Friday Night Nostalgia: The Regal Cinemas Roller Coaster

Nothing gets you more pumped for a movie than the Regal Cinemas Roller Coaster ride. Even if you’re seeing a shitty movie, this intro somehow makes it all worthwhile. I remember in the mid to late 90’s when this used to play all the time.

I was only able to find one copy of this version on YouTube. Check it out.

Ah yes, life was good. But then…what the hell? They stopped playing it! I couldn’t figure out why, but maybe it was just a tired concept. Perhaps people were sick of seeing it. So, it faded into obscurity.

Then one day in 2010 I went to see a movie, but I can’t remember which one. All of a sudden I heard a very familiar console booting up and a very familiar voice welcoming me to Regal Entertainment Group. Holy shit, it came back! Nice!

And you can even check it out on YouTube in glorious 1080p.

Why can’t my DVDs and Blu-Rays start out like this? Would you rather ride a roller coaster at top speed at the edge of our known universe flying past giant boxes of Cookie Dough Bites and airborne trash, or watch a pretentious studio logo fade onto the screen with some lazy Adobe After Effects animation?

Glad to have you back, Regal Roller Coaster! Only you can give us a ride on the edge of the galaxy with gigantic killer soft drinks and frighteningly large kernels of popcorn.

Remembering Your Experience With the Theater Audience Every Time You Watch That Movie

I remember when I went to see the first Lord of the Rings in theaters. Fantastic movie. But before the movie started, a large group of about a dozen middle school kids were sitting two rows ahead of me. On this particular evening they felt the need to bring their schoolyard drama to the theater. To put the noise level into perspective, just imagine a hallway in a middle school during class changes. It wasn’t until about 20 minutes in when a guy, who sounded like was in his mid-30’s, yelled “Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?” that finally made half of them leave and the other half shutting the hell up. Also, an employee finally walked in with one of those spiffy cone flashlights to help alleviate the situation.

It seems like every time I watch a movie, and I had seen it when it was playing in theaters, I always remember the horrible audience experience, if any, that had been attached to it.

Now excuse me while go back to watching “Annoying Commentator In the Seat Behind Me”-…I mean “The Dark Knight.”