Friday Night Nostalgia: Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker
Nobody fucks with Michael Jackson in the world of Moonwalker. Just looking at the movie poster lets you know he’s going to wreck your shit with a gigantic rainbow beam and a spaceship. Those soldiers in the background have no idea what they’re up against.
This movie has always been nostalgic to me and personally, after watching it again on Blu-ray (and despite a scene near the end being cut), I think it has aged like a fine wine. I’m not going to review the movie, but simply point out the things I like about it.
Spike the Rabbit is fucking badass. No other rabbit I know can transform a bicycle into a motorcycle into a jet-ski into a jetpack on a whim like it was nothing, and punch a drive-thru sign to cause a fucking avalanche of burgers at the take-out window. Not only that, but this motherfucker can carve out his own head on the face of a damn cliff, which is pretty frightening if you think about it. What a narcissistic asshole.
But then MJ puts that shithead in his place by spinning so fucking fast that he teeters on the edge of breaking the space-time continuum. Then that asshole cop tickets him for it. Well, I guess Spike has the last laugh.
And then of course there’s the Smooth Criminal sequence which needs no introduction, but do you know anyone who can shoot some random guy with a knife so hard that he flys back into a wall and fucking disintegrates? Then MJ dances like a badass in front of his ashes because that asshole should have known better.
But easily the funniest moment of the movie is a scene before that one, where MJ decides to fuck with some guy playing pool. You’d think it’d be mean enough to break the guy’s cue ball with his bare hand, but then he has the nerve to dance over to him, blow it in his face, then dance off again like a badass like nothing happened! A smooth criminal, indeed.
You’d think these assholes would have learned their lesson by now to not fuck with MJ, but they don’t. So MJ turns into a gigantic fucking robot and explodes their faces with his trademark scream, on top of obliterating them with his body cannons.
And then he morphs into a goddamn spaceship and rips Joe Pesci a new asshole with a fucking scream beam.
Whew. So, this whole movie is kind of frightening when you think about it. Some of it could probably give you nightmares. And personally I still think it holds up pretty well today. Of course there’s a ton of more things I can go into about the film but the things that I’ve mentioned were the most noteworthy to me. If you haven’t seen it in a long time, give it a watch again and see if you still like it. If you’ve never seen it, then check it out!
