The Why? List

The Art of Holding It In

Never does one have so much focus and determination in their life than when they are are holding it in. When you gotta go, nothing else matters, and nothing gets in your way. Your adrenaline is pumping. Your eyes are bulging. Beads of sweat run down your neck which just makes matters worse. Every one your senses is on edge; colors look brighter, noises seem louder, things smell worse…

…and your friend isn’t even going to fucking pull over.

But then, it happens. You reach your destination. You reach the end of your long and arduous journey because you held it in like a boss and didn’t even use the nearby empty Gatorade bottle.

And then you open the restroom door, which may as well be the Pearly Gates themselves because once you go into the stall and then let it all out, you suddenly discover what it means to be alive. The end all, be all of human existence. Anyone who has said ignorance is bliss has never learned the Art of Holding It. This is it folks. The very meaning of life itself.

Friday Night Nostalgia: The Gate

This has to be one of my favorite horror movies, and I remember the first time I watched it was when I was kid and I just randomly happened to catch it on TV. I think it was about 20 or 30 minutes in, but man it was just so damn awesome. Perhaps you might have seen this gem too. Take a look at the trailer on YouTube and see if any scenes look familiar.

So, yeah, The Gate. I guess I can start off by saying it’s also one of the most original and thoughtful horror movies that I’ve ever seen. And even though it’s from the 80’s, the special effects are still awesome as hell. A lot of forced perspective work is used here, and it’s certainly an admirable feat. Stop-motion was even used in some scenes too. Some may think it looks antiquated, but I think it looks great on monsters that are not of this world. Stop-motion gives movie monsters an unnatural look, and I think that’s the way it should be.

The plot is pretty original too. It’s basically a battle between good and evil after three kids open up a gate to hell in their backyard: Glen, his sister Alex, and his friend Terry. The whole thing kind of feels like one of the sleepovers you had as a kid where you would explore the house when it was dark and pretend everything was scary or there was a monster lurking around somewhere. I won’t explain the entire plot, but I love the way the tension rises and how things escalate from bad to good to worse. There’s a lot of little personal touches that give it a different feel from your typical horror movie. Give it a watch if you want to know what I mean.

If you’re any kind of horror fan, you owe it to yourself to watch this gem, or to watch it again if you saw it as a kid on cable TV. It’s totally worth it.

Friday Night Nostalgia: Your High School Album

I’m not sure how many of you can relate to this one, but it seems that when I ask most people which music album was the theme of their high school years, they always seem to have a good answer. Anything from Blink-182 to Linkin Park to The Offspring to Blur to Semisonic to Matchbox 20 to Oasis to Limp Bizkit to Radiohead to Ben Folds Five to 311 to Sublime to Stone Temple Pilots to Soundgarden to even Marilyn Manson, among many others. They liked it so much that it was the “soundtrack” of their life, of sorts, during those years.

For me it was always American Idiot by Green Day. While technically this album came out a few months after I had graduated, the presence of it was so prominent that I couldn’t help but look back on my high school life whenever I listened to it or saw the music videos to it on MTV. Growing up with the sounds of Green Day when I was in grade school was also a big factor in that feeling of nostalgia.

So, yeah, your High School Album. It’ll bring back some of your most joyful memories, and could also bring back some of your most heartbreaking. We all know that high school is absolute bullshit, but it’s hard to deny that it helped shape you into the person you are today, and in most cases for the better a few years afterwards. Your High School Album will always serve as your personal ballad to that bullshit, both the good and the bad.

Friday Night Nostalgia: The Weekend Rental

Oh how gratifying it was to come home from school on a Friday to pick up a brand new (or an old favorite) video game or movie rental for the weekend from your local video store. As soon as you walk in, you are greeted by that familiar video store smell of plastic and stale popcorn. And so much fucking candy! Shelves brimming with shit to rot your teeth! Of course, many times the rental itself would be a venturous risk. More often than not, we would judge a game’s or movie’s coolness off of the boxart alone:

“Sweet! That one has a karate guy on it! Get that one!”

Only to bring it home to find out that it was total shit. And you were screwed. That was your whole weekend, damn it! But then there were those times when you got a game that was cool as shit and you would tell your friends you couldn’t come outside because you were grounded or some shit.

But the days of video rental stores will soon be over. Yes, Netflix is convenient as hell, but I’ll never forget the charm and novelty of a weekend rental from West Coast Video, Blockbuster Video, or Hollywood Video.

Friday Night Nostalgia: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

These books were hard to get. I remember them always being checked out at my school’s library when I was a kid. And for good reason! I don’t think these books would have been as popular if it wasn’t for those frightening black-and-white illustrations that went along with every story. It was enough to give some kids nightmares, but the rest of us thought they were cool as shit. You were the man when you checked a Scary Stories book out of the library. Your parents probably weren’t a fan of the sick drawings, and that’s what made them even more awesome. The entire series was on the top of the list of most challenged books from 1990 through 1999, which meant parents wanted that shit banned like hell. But it dropped down to the #7 spot for 2000-2009.

I found out recently that these books were re-released with a new illustrator. The general consensus seems to be that they suck ass, according to Amazon.com reviewers. After looking at the preview pages, I gotta say I’m a little underwhelmed myself. So, if you’re on the look out for these for your kid, get the older versions. They don’t seem too hard to find, either.

You know what else? If these books had a soundtrack, it would be Marilyn Manson.

A perfect fit. Hell yeah.

Remembering Your Experience With the Theater Audience Every Time You Watch That Movie

I remember when I went to see the first Lord of the Rings in theaters. Fantastic movie. But before the movie started, a large group of about a dozen middle school kids were sitting two rows ahead of me. On this particular evening they felt the need to bring their schoolyard drama to the theater. To put the noise level into perspective, just imagine a hallway in a middle school during class changes. It wasn’t until about 20 minutes in when a guy, who sounded like was in his mid-30’s, yelled “Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?” that finally made half of them leave and the other half shutting the hell up. Also, an employee finally walked in with one of those spiffy cone flashlights to help alleviate the situation.

It seems like every time I watch a movie, and I had seen it when it was playing in theaters, I always remember the horrible audience experience, if any, that had been attached to it.

Now excuse me while go back to watching “Annoying Commentator In the Seat Behind Me”-…I mean “The Dark Knight.”

Dragons

You just say the word, and anybody gets it. DRAGON.

Don’t you wish dragons existed? Your answer to that question is irrelevant because dragons will wreck your shit. One dragon would level an entire city in one hour if you catch him on a good day. Nevermind those pansy-ass komodo dragons. This is the real deal, man.

But, why do we love dragons so much? It’s probably because they are the culmination of man’s greatest predators. The scales and eyes of a poisonous snake, the talons of a huge bird, the teeth of a tiger, and the build of a dinosaur. Dragons are everything that can fuck our shit up.

The dragon’s role in history is nothing short of astounding. This is one mythical creature which has truly stood the test of time. They just simply continue to fascinate us. Which basically says that we are gluttons for punishment.

DRAGONS!

The Guy On the Pizza Box

For many years I have been trying nothing but the Best thanks to the Pizza Box Guy. This man’s face has graced the pizza boxes of nearly every mom-and-pop pizza joint in existence. Which leaves me to wonder: where can I find the Rest? Does he mean chain pizza restaurants? I dunno about him but I kind of like those, actually.

More businesses should start using the Pizza Box Guy in their marketing plans. Imagine the huge amounts of profit one could rake in by using it on products like these:

Another thing I’m still trying to figure out about the Pizza Box Guy is his origin. Nobody seems to know where he came from or who the original person was for the inspiration of the original drawing. The only possible candidate that I can think of is Bova Food Distributors.

Their corporate headquarters are actually not too far from my hometown. But they seem to be the company that uses the Pizza Box Guy the most, since he can be found on most of their products. This is the most conclusive evidence that I could come up with for his origin.

One thing I’m pleasantly surprised by is that Pizza Box Guy hasn’t changed his appearance in decades. He hasn’t been swallowed up by the modern marketing strategies of today. He doesn’t try to appeal to any particular demographic. He is just Pizza Box Guy, through and through.

But could you imagine if he WAS modernized for this day and age?