The Why? List

So Long, WhyList!

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 21:57:00 -0400

Things change.

Many things keep a blog alive. Motivation, creativity, multiple staff members, and of course the most important is fan support. Unfortunately, this blog has been running on empty on all of these necessities, so to speak.

Don’t get me wrong, “The Why? List” had a good run. It was fun writing for it these past few months, and I enjoyed all of the support that I did get.

Which is why I’ll keep this blog up for a long while so that if you missed any entries, or are just here because you’re bored, you can read all of the old entries. Click the Random button over there and give it a try!

Thanks for reading everyone, and thank you for your support. Goodbye!

Getting Up 3-5 Minutes Before Your Alarm Goes Off

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 18:59:58 -0400

*Uuunnggh* Huh? What? I don’t hear my alarm..

Sweet! I get to go back to sleep! What time is it?

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

"Don’t fucking talk to me, don’t fucking touch me, don’t fucking breathe on me and..."

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 18:43:16 -0400

“Don’t fucking talk to me, don’t fucking touch me, don’t fucking breathe on me and don’t fucking look at me.”

- You with a Sick Stomach

Stop Ignoring People's Messages

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:05:00 -0400

Go ahead, ignore this message.

From my point of view this seems to be a growing problem, with websites like Facebook and online dating services being the worst offenders. I’ve already briefly talked about this subject in another post. But no one seems to want to bring it up so I guess I’m going to have to.

This is one of the rudest things to do to someone when you have no rhyme or reason to ignore them. If you don’t want to talk to that person anymore, or you’re just not interested in them, then grow a pair and fucking say so. I’ll even do you a favor and mention a couple of alternative strategies:

1. Give them basic, boring responses to their messages.

Think this is more rude than ignoring them? It’s not. While this is still kind of a shitty thing to do, by doing this you are sending a social que to that person that you are no longer interested in their conversation. The person becomes bored by your responses and, in turn, the feeling becomes mutual. Done and done.

2. Make yourself busy.

Once again, this strategy is a lot less rude than ignoring someone, and once again you are sending the social que that you are no longer interested. BUT, don’t keep this going for too long. Eventually send a message with something along the lines of “Sorry man, I don’t think this is going to work out.”

3. Just flat out tell them.

That’s it. Just fucking tell them. Mention how both of you have different, separate lives. Mention how times have changed. Or mention how great of a person they are, but you just aren’t interested.

All of these strategies have something in common: they all offer closure. Do the other person a favor and at least give them that. Don’t just leave them hanging in the fucking breeze wondering what they ever did to make you hate them.

It is the year 2012. Look around you. We live in the fucking future. We have all of this amazing technology to keep us connected, and yet it’s just making things worse when we use it to isolate ourselves, ignore others and show people only what we want them to see.

This shit has got to stop now. I encourage you to reblog this post. Spread this message like wildfire. Don’t ignore someone you don’t like. Just give them the privilege of closure. You’ll be doing both them and yourself a favor.

The Commercial Food Always Looks Better I was always suspicious...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 18:52:00 -0400

The Commercial Food Always Looks Better

I was always suspicious as to why the food on fast food commercials always looks better than the real thing, and now I have my answer.

One can’t help but appreciate the meticulous work that goes into making a Burger Celebrity. But either way, it’s still greasy as hell.

Fla·Vor·Ice

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 20:33:21 -0400

The best part about this post is that I was eating a Fla·Vor·Ice while writing this, because it almost peaked at about 100°F today. Nothing says summer like a box of 100 skinny sleeves of artificially flavored liquid. When I was a kid that shit would be cleaned out in a few days, but now a whole box lasts me almost 2 months. These things have also been known as Otter Pops, but it’ll always be Fla·Vor·Ice to me.

But the absolute best part of a Fla·Vor·Ice is the grand finale:

Hands down.

Coming Home to an Air Conditioner on a Hot Summer Day

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 19:08:45 -0400

I think this one is also pretty self-explanatory. It’s the best part of the summer! Coming home to one of these after a hot day at work or school makes your long, arduous journey seem well worth the effort.

Make your friends jealous and make a useless status update depicting you sitting in front of an air conditioner!

#airconditioner

#hatersgonnahate

Candy Sizes

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 18:00:00 -0400

Yeah…and…? What’s so FUN about this size? Alas, no fun came out when I opened the wrapper. If I wanted a party in my mouth I would just eat a bag of Pop Rocks. In fact, I’d have a lot more FUN eating a KING SIZE of something like a bag of M & M’s.

…

What the fuck.

Ah, yes. Chef Boyardee. The dog food for humans.

Mon, 21 May 2012 18:15:08 -0400

Ah, yes. Chef Boyardee. The dog food for humans.

Friday Night Not-So-Nostalgia: Zeebo the Clown

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:56:03 -0400

If you haven’t already shit your pants, then keep reading.

Initially I was going to do a FNN post about the Are You Afraid of the Dark? series, but then I realized that for the most part the only episode everyone remembers is The Tale of Laughing in the Dark. You know, the one with Zeebo the Clown in it. That scary motherfucker who gave every Nickelodeon kid nightmares?

Seriously man, even people who aren’t scared of clowns would be after meeting this guy. Just look at that fucking face! My favorite part of this episode was the backstory they gave to Zeebo. He was basically a circus clown who stole some money, then ran and hid inside the Laughing in the Dark ride, only to be burned alive when his cigar ignited the place. That stupid motherfucker. But anyway, that backstory was what really brought the character to life. Not to mention that chilling laugh of his.

Don’t feel like sleeping tonight? Head on over to YouTube to pay your respects to the greatest Nickelodeon horror icon ever.

I may revisit this episode and dissect it in more detail, because there are plenty of things to point out about it (like that classic hammy 90s kids’ acting style), or maybe even the series as a whole.

“What do you think I am, some kind of clown?!”

Reader Submission: "Sorry, I have to do laundry tonight." The worst excuse ever.

Mon, 14 May 2012 17:58:00 -0400

Today’s reader submission comes from the mind of Chris of LOLadelphia!:

_________________________________________________________

We’ve all been there. Bored and looking for something to do, you start sending out text messages to people hoping to find someone who wants to go out to eat, catch a movie, hang out, whatever. Suddenly, you get a reply from one of your friends that says, “Sorry, I have to do laundry tonight.” What…the…fuck?

This is seriously the lamest excuse ever, and the people who use it have no idea just how pathetic it actually is. Besides the fact that if they don’t want to hang out, they should just say they’re busy and leave it at that, saying they have to do laundry just makes no sense. Here’s why:

The beauty of laundry is that one can put something in the washer or dryer…then walk away and do something else. Am I really supposed to believe that you’re just sitting there in front of the washer and dryer afraid to go anywhere?
Even if they want to hang out, but have to do laundry…am I really supposed to believe that every single shirt and every single pair of pants you own is dirty and you can’t leave the house until it’s done?
If laundry does have to be done, just put on something dirty. People wear dirty clothes all the time. Unless it smells or is riddled with stains, I won’t know it’s clean or dirty, and frankly, I don’t care what it is either way.
Laundry does not take all night to do. You can afford to walk away from it for a little bit.

I hate this excuse, and the people who make it are seriously insulting you and think you’re stupid. It would be less offensive to just say, “I don’t want to hang out tonight,” instead of coming up with an excuse with so many holes.

______________________________________________________________

Excellent submission Chris! Many good points are brought to attention here. It makes me wonder how many other excuses have as many holes as the Laundry Excuse.

Check out more of LOLadelphia! to get the inside scoop on all things Philadelphia.

Griegs Peer Gynt Flash Mob at the Copenhagen Metro! Being a...

Tue, 08 May 2012 23:52:00 -0400

Griegs Peer Gynt Flash Mob at the Copenhagen Metro!

Being a regular SEPTA train commuter, I found this to be pretty funny. At the first the commuters look kind of pissed off, but as the song progresses they realize that they are still human beings at heart that enjoy the beautiful sounds of classical music, instead of corporate drones constantly putting their nose to the grind.

This blog is about pointing out those little things in life; good, weird, bad, and mildly irritating. This is one of the good ones.

I’m talking to YOU, SEPTA. I’ll take the Concert Car over the Quiet Ride Car any day.

The Art of Holding It In

Tue, 08 May 2012 18:50:00 -0400

Never does one have so much focus and determination in their life than when they are are holding it in. When you gotta go, nothing else matters, and nothing gets in your way. Your adrenaline is pumping. Your eyes are bulging. Beads of sweat run down your neck which just makes matters worse. Every one your senses is on edge; colors look brighter, noises seem louder, things smell worse…

…and your friend isn’t even going to fucking pull over.

But then, it happens. You reach your destination. You reach the end of your long and arduous journey because you held it in like a boss and didn’t even use the nearby empty Gatorade bottle.

And then you open the restroom door, which may as well be the Pearly Gates themselves because once you go into the stall and then let it all out, you suddenly discover what it means to be alive. The end all, be all of human existence. Anyone who has said ignorance is bliss has never learned the Art of Holding It. This is it folks. The very meaning of life itself.

That Friend Who Doesn't Text You Back When It's Time Sensitive

Wed, 02 May 2012 19:14:50 -0400

Almost everybody has that one friend that won’t text them back in a timely manner. And if you don’t then it’s probably you.

What gives? It’s not that difficult to text someone back (unless you got caught up in an emergency of course). It takes 45-60 seconds, if that. Maybe a little less than 2 minutes if it’s a long message. Don’t think that it’s helpful to respond to the message in a careless manner a day or two later either.

Me: “Hey man. BeerFest is tomorrow. You in?”

You: [no response]

Two days later…

You: “nah i cant im busy”

Me: “…can’t do what…?”

So, next time, be a pal and respond to that text message! Just remember this easy mnemonic: “Can’t go? Say so!”

Friday Night Nostalgia: The Gate

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 21:52:00 -0400

This has to be one of my favorite horror movies, and I remember the first time I watched it was when I was kid and I just randomly happened to catch it on TV. I think it was about 20 or 30 minutes in, but man it was just so damn awesome. Perhaps you might have seen this gem too. Take a look at the trailer on YouTube and see if any scenes look familiar.

So, yeah, The Gate. I guess I can start off by saying it’s also one of the most original and thoughtful horror movies that I’ve ever seen. And even though it’s from the 80’s, the special effects are still awesome as hell. A lot of forced perspective work is used here, and it’s certainly an admirable feat. Stop-motion was even used in some scenes too. Some may think it looks antiquated, but I think it looks great on monsters that are not of this world. Stop-motion gives movie monsters an unnatural look, and I think that’s the way it should be.

The plot is pretty original too. It’s basically a battle between good and evil after three kids open up a gate to hell in their backyard: Glen, his sister Alex, and his friend Terry. The whole thing kind of feels like one of the sleepovers you had as a kid where you would explore the house when it was dark and pretend everything was scary or there was a monster lurking around somewhere. I won’t explain the entire plot, but I love the way the tension rises and how things escalate from bad to good to worse. There’s a lot of little personal touches that give it a different feel from your typical horror movie. Give it a watch if you want to know what I mean.

If you’re any kind of horror fan, you owe it to yourself to watch this gem, or to watch it again if you saw it as a kid on cable TV. It’s totally worth it.

Just a quick follow-up to my Moonwalker post, but if your mind...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 19:12:48 -0400

Just a quick follow-up to my Moonwalker post, but if your mind hasn’t already been blown today then I’ve probably just changed that with this photo of the Creepy MJ Scream Face. Now you can rest easy knowing there’s something more creepier in Moonwalker than MJ turning into a giant bloodthirsty robotic war-machine.

The Sneeze That Never Was

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 20:15:15 -0400

Why the hell is it so frustrating when we’re about to sneeze then don’t? You’d think the opposite would be true but it isn’t! Instead that fucking sneeze finds other ways to come out and make you miserable. It tears up your eyes, puts an air bubble in your sinus cavity and makes you feel even more like shit. To me, a sneeze is totally worth it in the end.

Friday Night Nostalgia: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 19:45:00 -0400

Nobody fucks with Michael Jackson in the world of Moonwalker. Just looking at the movie poster lets you know he’s going to wreck your shit with a gigantic rainbow beam and a spaceship. Those soldiers in the background have no idea what they’re up against.

This movie has always been nostalgic to me and personally, after watching it again on Blu-ray (and despite a scene near the end being cut), I think it has aged like a fine wine. I’m not going to review the movie, but simply point out the things I like about it.

Spike the Rabbit is fucking badass. No other rabbit I know can transform a bicycle into a motorcycle into a jet-ski into a jetpack on a whim like it was nothing, and punch a drive-thru sign to cause a fucking avalanche of burgers at the take-out window. Not only that, but this motherfucker can carve out his own head on the face of a damn cliff, which is pretty frightening if you think about it. What a narcissistic asshole.

But then MJ puts that shithead in his place by spinning so fucking fast that he teeters on the edge of breaking the space-time continuum. Then that asshole cop tickets him for it. Well, I guess Spike has the last laugh.

And then of course there’s the Smooth Criminal sequence which needs no introduction, but do you know anyone who can shoot some random guy with a knife so hard that he flys back into a wall and fucking disintegrates? Then MJ dances like a badass in front of his ashes because that asshole should have known better.

But easily the funniest moment of the movie is a scene before that one, where MJ decides to fuck with some guy playing pool. You’d think it’d be mean enough to break the guy’s cue ball with his bare hand, but then he has the nerve to dance over to him, blow it in his face, then dance off again like a badass like nothing happened! A smooth criminal, indeed.

You’d think these assholes would have learned their lesson by now to not fuck with MJ, but they don’t. So MJ turns into a gigantic fucking robot and explodes their faces with his trademark scream, on top of obliterating them with his body cannons.

And then he morphs into a goddamn spaceship and rips Joe Pesci a new asshole with a fucking scream beam.

Whew. So, this whole movie is kind of frightening when you think about it. Some of it could probably give you nightmares. And personally I still think it holds up pretty well today. Of course there’s a ton of more things I can go into about the film but the things that I’ve mentioned were the most noteworthy to me. If you haven’t seen it in a long time, give it a watch again and see if you still like it. If you’ve never seen it, then check it out!

That Random Cut With No Apparent Cause

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:04:00 -0400

Have you ever found a random cut or scab on your arm, wrist, leg or wherever else that has no rhyme or reason being there? Looks like the gorilla pictured above just found one and he sure as hell can’t figure that shit out.

At first you’re a little concerned, but then you realize that it makes you feel like a total badass. You immediately begin thinking of the awesome thing that you did so that you can tell all of your friends. You realize “I must have just barely escaped from that chase” or “That was one hell of a fight” or “I must have gotten this when I was wrestling that grizzly bear last week.” Ah, if only.

But then you remember you got it by getting scraped by a piece of furniture. Damn.

Oh hey there Pizza Box Guy! Haven’t seen you in a while....

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:29:23 -0400

Oh hey there Pizza Box Guy! Haven’t seen you in a while. You sneaky devil. Thought you could just chill out on the inside flap of an Apollo Pizza box and think I wouldn’t notice? Wrong. I know you are responsible for the success of every small pizza joint that uses your face and hand of perfection that signifies I am trying nothing short of THE BEST.