Very few annoyances can rival the magnitude of frustration of the Itch You Can’t Scratch in Public. And it’s not like you can ignore it, either. The itch just grows on you like some kind of freak fungus and gets worse as time progresses. But, don’t worry, I’m here to help with a few of my personal tips! This is all assuming that you don’t have a restroom nearby to retreat to:
- Nostril Itch
If the itch can’t be vanquished by a couple of rubs on the outside of your nose, not to worry. You can instead use a tissue as your scapegoat. You can go to town with that itch if you’re doing it with a tissue because it looks a lot cleaner to the public than just using your finger. No tissue? No problem! Use a clever sandwich combination of face itches: face itch, nose itch, face itch. Well aren’t you sneaky!
- Butt Itch
Depends on the location of itch. If it’s on a cheek, just adjust yourself in your seat until it’s gone, or if you’re standing, pretend you’re looking for your phone or wallet by searching your back pockets. Stealth scratch! It’s a bit harder if it’s a buttcrack itch. If you’re sitting, grab the armrests of your chair and keep adjusting yourself in your seat by lifting each cheek alternatively. After about five or six times it starts to look suspicious, so use this technique wisely. If you’re standing, find either a solitary place away from the public, or an area with equal to the noise level of a busy bus or train station or cafeteria. Build up a nice dose of gas and RELEASE THE BEAST. Who knew a fart could be so useful? Bonus points if somebody smells it.
- Groin Itch
Why do you think pockets were invented? Pretend to shuffle around in your pockets looking for that one coin that you just don’t have and asking someone for change. With each passing second while that sucker is looking for the coin you “need”, you are on your way to paradise because you are scratching the shit out of that itch. Oh, nice! They have the quarter that you “needed”. You just got paid 25 cents to scratch your groin. You lucky dog!
Of course there’s always the option of ignoring all of these tips and going for broke with a shameless scratch. You sick bastard.